Friday, December 12, 2008

Giudice e Giuria

I've been going through an important purification these past days, a final frontier, if you will, of reclaiming myself. I've been releasing the last bit of scar tissue from my past, saying goodbye to lessons learned that I no longer need, forgiving everyone who hurt me.

Since these "final frontier" feelings are related to my history in music, I began to think about why I left the business in the first place: it's the same reason I left relationships behind that didn't work for me--people thinking they own me.

The irony of music, for me, was in my expression and the perception. My actions are about opening my soul in earnest attempt at catharsis..opening myself naked and raw, and my art and photographs also represent this struggle, this shamanic journey to break free from these earthly illusions, to go deep within.
For me the irony here is that in this pure offering, I've experienced people who have decided they know who I am and what I think based on their perception from afar, never having asked me any questions nor taken the time to get to know me. As a a result, my various "owners" change direction in their feelings for me from adoration to condemnation based on their judgement of their perception of me. My actions follow my sense of integrity, which is to do what is natural to me. And when these natural actions are disapproved of, suddenly I've fallen from some state of grace I've never elected myself to.

I've come so far from that time when this would bother me. The stalkers, the haters..I have so many friends who began as fans that I choose to embrace the beauty of human nature here and forgive the other desperate version. For me, this album was a choice of something that had to be done for my own empowerment..I never expected so much support and lovely energy coming from people who are happy to hear me sing again. Those "fans" are more, they are a community, fellow seekers, there's an offering of communion, exchange of thoughts and ideas, back -and -forth-conversation. And isn't that what art is all about anyway..making us think and discuss? This, of course, requires honesty. Hiding behind insecurity and heated words only reveals a fear of change, a need for comfort zone, a loss of sense of place and self.

This time around, I see through all the artifice and my vision is completely different. I see this odd parade as a sad trail of hurting souls who are looking for someone else to fill them up. Energy vampires who only see their own needs.This of course, describes only the element who think they own me. I feel compassion. I forgive.More than that, I embrace the tribe around me with no expectation, only joy. It will wax and wane for sure,as life here in this world of relative is impermanence.

I am no longer broken, there are no cracks in my shell. Beware, only a Warrior of Light lives within.