State of Mind

Today is the first day I took a break from painting. I "rested" with gemstones, taking a much-needed recharge, at the same time using transmitter stones. I had an intense lucid dream. Afterwards, I began to think of all the paths of interest I've followed in my life thus far, reflected on how they were aspects of past-lives trying to lead me back to remembering myself in this life, and I began to think about my earliest memories...which are of me painting as a child and thinking about Van Gogh.

Then I remember when started painting again in 2006 (hadn't really painted in 10 years up to that point aside from painted photographs). I immediately began to paint large, and at the time I listened to music when I painted: to keep me going, to keep my mood up during long, long hours or difficult passages, to keep the energy flowing. However, I found that music influenced me too much emotionally and took my focus off the painting. For example, a certain song made me feel so powerful..yet when i'd stand back and look at what I painted I'd be disappointed by what was there. I realized the emotion of the music was taking me places, almost altered states, as painting can do as well, yet it was taking away from the outcome of the painting sessions rather than adding to.

Now I paint with no music. The painting is the joy itself, and I ride out all the ups and downs and push through...even during the 12th hour of exhaustion and onto the 15th. While I feel in trance alot of the time, I am also very alert and present, and I feel one foot in this world and one beyond the veil. It's a very natural place for me, and it's how I live much of my days, but a relatively new experience during painting. I hear the words of advice "paint what you see" alot, and I pay great attention to color choice and what is happening between my eyes and brush, yet it feels like the painting is painting itself. Being self taught, i feel a huge difference in the way i paint now, and it's become an intensely meditative experience. Meditation doesn't mean it's all "peace and light", it means there is intense work being done within and nowhere to run from it. This is what I'm experiencing every day for 15 hours each day for the last month and a half. I am also feeling the presence of the "Guardians" of the Tarot, or "The Council" as I call them, and I'll write more about this later.